Category Archives: race relations

American culture, Culture, culture war, Politics, pop culture, psychology, race relations, Society & Culture

As The World Burns

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

That is not such a good thing.

Here we sit, as the world burns around us, and lament the trivial, the inconsequential, the minutia. We fight over saving an extra 20 percent in the Target parking lot. black friday

I have come to the conclusion that we must secretly want it this way. Or we are lazy. Or we do not care. Or it is just easier to ignore it and focus on our first world problems, holiday plans, on the gifts we must buy. We do not really want to talk about it or do anything about it. We just want to complain about it for a hot minute and move on to the next thing.

We put a proverbial Band-Aid over it and hope it goes away?

Oh, you are probably wondering what “it” is. You want to define “it”? Fine, I suppose that is fair.  “It” is undefinable. “It” is everything, anything and nothing at the same time.

“It” is the topic of the day. “It” is immigration, race relations, religion, poverty, politics, international affairs and the economy. “It” is gun control, Hollywood celebrity culture, concussion protocols, domestic violence, locker room language and bullying.

“It” is how families communicate, nuclear and extended. “It” is marriage, divorce, parenting and children. “It” is our increasing reliance on technology. “It” is our jobs, our anxiety, and our fears, our obsessions with the material and immaterial of the world.

“It” is every little thing we deal with on a day-to-day basis.

Perhaps most of all, “it” is you.

Yes, you – the one who thinks I am writing to everyone else and doesn’t think that these (hopefully) thought provoking pieces of less than literary prowess over the past few years are directed at them.

It is directed at you.

It is also meant for me.

When my writing changed a few years ago, it was because the way I think changed and evolved. A funny thing happens as you age, you start paying attention to more than just box scores. You marry, have children and find yourself watching less SportsCenter. Why? Because in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn’t matter as much, while what we are doing to ourselves does as a society matters all that much more.

But a key realization occurred along the way: talking does little. Writing seems to do less. People do not want to hear about the ills of the world, much less so what they can do to improve it. We do quite a bit of talking in our public and private lives. Actually addressing “it” and finding real solutions is a much more difficult proposition.

And this is because we simply do not listen.

We hear, but we don’t listen. We can’t talk about anything that leads to a civilized, give-and-take discussion and solution, because mostly, we’re unwilling to budge on our positions, to meet others halfway. We react, we get angry, we get hostile. To most, an idea of a solution to any problem is agreeing that we are right. It is part ego, part vanity.

Devaluing the ideas, thoughts, and concerns of others while simultaneously self-promoting our own as fact and truth is as dangerous as it is foolish.

To most of us, we might recognize this, so we back-off. It is not worth the argument, the fight. We Band-Aid our lives for the sake of doing the dance. We won’t talk about “it” – whatever “it” happens to be, because all it will end in is hurt feelings, angry words and emotional outbursts.

So we bottle it all up inside, allowing it to take residence in our proverbial mental garbage bin of all the things we’ve ignored, swallowed and tried to forget over the years. These situations become like sticks of unlit dynamite.

And then, at some unknown point in the future, the most meaningless thing sets off the wick and we explode, looking like we need a straight-jacket and some prescription drugs.

We’re all a little crazy.

But that is because we allow ourselves to be. We think we’re saving face. We’re not. Clear and honest communication is a central part, but actually listening and being willing to bend, to meet in the middle on whatever “it” is would most likely serve us all well.

This much is true: if we agreed to disagree from the beginning and worked to a solution that neither feels entirely great about, but comfortable with, we might actually get somewhere in this world.

Our world view is significantly altered by the fact that I am me and you are you. We’re a country and world full of people with specifically engineered lives, with experiences vastly independent from one another.

We share the same period of time and space in this universe, but we experience that time and space in very different ways, which means we do not – and cannot – see the world the same way.

So why are we so surprised when people of opposing viewpoints and political parties, living in different cities, towns and regions, with entirely different life experiences disagree with us?

We will never agree on anything because not one of us looks at everything the same way. It is not about forcing someone else to see why they are wrong and you are right.On the contrary, it is an attempt to build a bridge toward the middle where you see where they are coming from.

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That is problem solving. That is relationship management. That is how we were designed to interact. We are not all geniuses in all aspects of life and its infinite mysteries, nor are we complete morons, either. We’re a melting pot of races, religions, ethnicities, social, cultural and economic backgrounds.

We – READ: you and I – would be better off if this were not just a pipe dream, but something we actually exercised ourselves and taught to our children. You – yes, you – will be wrong sometimes. You will be right sometimes.

Sometimes, you might be either, neither or both.

The same goes for me, your parents, in-laws, children, their friends, teachers, your co-workers, the guy working construction and the lawyer on 5th Avenue, the President, Congress, Roger Goodell, Chris Rock and the waiter at your restaurant.

Be in the world, not above it. People are people, their problems are real because they experience them. Don’t shut them down. When we refuse to grow, we refuse to change – and change is largely inevitable. Growth is good. Sticking to your old habits, beliefs and traditions is not necessarily something to be proud of.

So this holiday season, start a new tradition.

Try.

Try to be honest. Try to be kind.

Try to avoid the Social Media tar pits that cannot be one. Try not to take the bait. Try to understand there are people who do not have food, shelter or friends.

Try to not be too swayed – or angry – with those seeking your vote, your money, your donations and your time. Try to give back a little more than you take.

Try to understand the other side, someone else’s perspective as best you can. Try not to shut down or shut out. Try open minded. Try accepting what you can.

I don’t think you should necessarily succumb to the world, give in to all opposing views and beliefs and acknowledge they are somehow right. But the world is not going to fully come your direction, either.

Try to build a bridge.

At least your half of “it,” anyway.

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American culture, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, race relations, Riley Cooper, Society

A World of Words

“Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.”
If only this were true.
Those words, from an old nursery rhyme which first appeared in The Christian Recorderaround March of 1862, are perhaps even more relevant today than they were during the Civil War.
We think we’re past the past? That all that pain and anguish from our brutal past as a society is over?
Please.
In the larger scheme of history, we’re not even close to putting this behind us. And yes, while I am referring to the egregiously foul act that a drunken Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver performed at a Kenny Chesney concert, that’s not all we’re dealing with.
The word used by Riley Cooper is without question offensive and incendiary, and his leave of absence from the team today is the right move for everyone involved. But time will pass and in a few years, we’ll remember him as a buffoon or a racist. I hope his sensitivity classes actually bring about change within Cooper, but he is not without peers.
This has garnered media attention because Cooper plays in the NFL. Because the word he used is offensive. Because he is not of a race that is permitted to use the word because of the manner in which his ancestors meant it. Because of the way he meant it.
Yet in schools and playgrounds all over the nation, the word Cooper used is repeated, either with hateful spite or comedic intentions. And it’s not the only word. How about the popularity of using the r-word in a joking or spiteful manner about someone who is lacking intelligence? How about words meant to slander someone of another religious creed?
As humans, we inherently think we’re more advanced than those who came before us – but we have yet to move on from the divides that emotionally charge us.
Words without action, without intent, are indeed just a bunch of letters strung together. They can do no harm. But for thousands of years, we’ve lived in a world full of verbal and written communication. The power of words is never more evident that in our current environment. Laws are carefully worded so that the correct usage and intent are understood. Speeches are crafted artfully to convey meaning and invoke action. Words will continue to play an unparalleled role in the lives of people all over the world as they connect us – and disconnect us – from each other.
We ought to say what we mean and mean what we say. That way, we’d know what’s truly in someone’s heart. That way, we’d know if we should accept their apology should they make a mistake. Most of us recognize that we ourselves are not without blame. We’ve said the wrong thing and not meant it. Sometimes, we say the wrong thing knowing as we speak we don’t mean it, but it comes out in anger anyway.
This is why we forgive, even if we can’t forget. There are probably a thousand hurtful things I’ve said to people in my thirty-plus years (none as offensive as Cooper, though). I don’t remember them – but I can remember the 25 or 30 things that were said to me that I found most hurtful. Those words have left an impact on me forever. They will drive me or motivate me or cripple me.
As a forgiving as a society as we are, a lot of that forgiveness hinges on how sincere you are before, during and after an incident and how you ultimately purport yourself on a daily basis. Essentially, we answer the question for you: are you genuine?
Because really, that’s what it comes down to – being authentic.
And to be honest, we’ve lost authenticity in this world. We’re too easily influenced by our surroundings, popular culture, professional athletes and entertainers. We want to be as real as reality TV. Except we fail to remember how not real it is.
We’re losing ground, folks. There’s been a gradual loss in personal decorum over the generations and we’re now in this purgatory as a society. We’re not taking ourselves seriously with how we dress, act and speak – to each other and to ourselves. It has eroded our values. Yet we have lost – and continue to lose what makes us – and made us – us. As individuals, as families, as communities and as a nation. We are looked at funny if we say “Yes, Ma’am” or “No, sir.”
People don’t talk like that anymore, including adults. And if we don’t as adults, then why would teenagers or children?
Now, as the world rapidly evolves with technology, we’re at a crossroads. All the tools used to communicate have caught up to what we’re able to say, but we’ve got nothing good to say. We post Instagram photos of drunken celebrities, clever e-cards or retweet a link to some athlete complaining about how the rules for picking Pro Bowlers have changed.
Can you imagine what Machiavelli, da Vinci, Plato, Lincoln or a host other others would have done with a blog, a web site, Twitter account or Facebook profile?
So Riley Cooper has his problems. Yeah, well, we’re clearly not perfect either. This does not excuse his actions. On the contrary, I remain outraged by the word he used and the manner and context in which he used it. But before we sweep this whole thing under the rug, per usual, in a week or two, let’s use this as a teachable moment as a society.
We cannot change others, only ourselves. And if our efforts to evolve are meant with sincerity – if we mean what we say about wanting to move on and becoming a better country, about being better to each other, then it must begin with us as individuals.

Let’s leave the harm to sticks and stones and use our words to help and hope.
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